I've got a long way to run

It amuses me that I think I know so much.

I am glad that God sees the future & holds me in the palm of his hand. I talked to someone at work the other day who told me, "I'm still a baby Christian." I asked him how long he had walked with the Lord, "It's been 13 years." I've been a Christian for 12 years and I think I'm old school!

I've been up all night thinking about 2 patients at work.

One is dying. After making the patient "comfort care only", I went in to start her pain medication drip. When I unhooked her from the feeding tube, the family started crying. Tears came to my eyes. Here I was, taking away their hope of recovery in a very concrete way. Here I was, removing the sustenance she needed to survive. I felt like a murderer.

Then it hit me. God is the one who sustains life. I have no say in the matter. And while life on earth must end one day, Jesus is our true hope, and no one can take that hope away! I realized that I had just been given a privilege. I was able to give another human being the chance to leave this world as she wished. In dignity and comfort, surrounded by her family who loved her. That made me cry, too. It is a special mark we bear as nurses to provide comfort and support to those in need around us.

And sometimes those in need are not so easy to bear. The other patient was an adult woman who yells and screams, cussing and carrying on like a two year old. Did I mention she is alert and oriented x3? Perfectly capable of acting like an adult, but choosing (for whatever reason) not to. Demanding this, demanding that, refusing this, refusing that. Threatening to leave. Go ahead, leave! My compassion and tolerance level had dropped to a negative 20.

And yet... God wants me to see her through His eyes. I am still so mad at her, so upset, that I want to go into her room and beat the snot out of her. That is what she deserves.

Then it hit me. That's how God views my sin. He sees all the nasty things I think, say, and do and He hates it. I deserve a good beating.

And yet... Jesus took the beating for me. I deserve punishement for my crimes. Yet God in His mercy does not give me what I deserve when I claim Jesus as my own. Jesus' blood on the Cross paid the penalty when God demanded a sacrifice for my ugly sin. I am a murderer! My sin nailed Jesus to the cross.

That's how much God loves me. When his tolerance level for my wrong doings was negative 20, he demanded a beating for my bad behavior. And Jesus said, Wait, I'll pay the price for you, because I love you so much! I'll go die in your place, so you can be free.

And I think I know so much. I cannot begin to comprehend a love so deep. The truth is I know enough to know that I need the Lord who knows it all.